From The Mag

#1 in a Bottle

Always read the label before consuming.
Written by The Fuckin' Pilot

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Originally printed in issue #48 (November 2013) of Blue Skies Magazine.
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“Hey Nick … NICK!!”

“Yeah?? What’s up, Dean?”

“What color do you get when you mix blue and yellow?”

He had a bit of a confused look on his face at first, but managed to yell out, “Green!” just as the bottle of Cool Blue Gatorade I had tossed arched over the wing of the PAC and landed firmly in his hands, sloshing an uncharacteristically warm green liquid inside. As recognition crept across his face, and the bottle went flying across the ramp with a, “DUDE, WHAT THE FUCK?!?” I was laughing so hard I almost spilled Jet-A all over the wing.

I’m sure that not every pilot has done it. Hell, I’m sure not even every jump pilot has done it, but for those who have, this article should hit home. For those who haven’t quite caught on yet, I am talking about the practice of taking a piss in a bottle WHILE flying an airplane. It’s a shitload trickier than it sounds, even when it’s a mellow flight, but when you are tasked with going up and down as fast as possible, it’s downright fucking difficult!

There are quite a few different ways to accomplish the ever-satisfying emptying of your bladder while in flight, ranging from the relatively easy to the next to impossible. When flying jumpers there are really only two times to get it done: Either it’s while the bird is being refueled, which is a piece of cake really, or the only time a jump pilot ever finds oneself alone in flight, which is the descent. Trust me when I say that descending an aircraft anywhere from 120 to 160 knots straight toward the ground takes a fair amount of concentration and skill all on its own, but when you add to that trying to aim a stream of urine where you need it to go …

By far the easiest way to make sure the whole thing goes smoothly is to have the proper bottle in advance. The wide-mouth Gatorade and PowerAde bottles are the Holy Grail when it comes down to it, and have many advantages that make life a whole lot easier. First off, it’s less hands-on for a few reasons. One, yes the wide mouth! Most of the time you can fit at least the tip of your equipment in the mouth, so you aren’t worried about having to aim so much. Second, it’ll hold quite a bit of liquid, so at least on round one you don’t need to worry about cutting it off mid-stream!

There are drawbacks to the wide mouth as well. In case you aren’t familiar with, or don’t actually have a penis of your own, then you may not know that these things don’t just come in two states, soft or hard. The damn thing will just shift around and change size any fucking time it feels like it, which can cause a real problem when the tip of it is jammed inside a fucking bottle. If it grows, even just a little, and manages to create a seal around the lip, eventually the pressure inside increases too much and air, and probably a fair amount of piss, end up spraying out over hell and gone. It’s a real fucking mess! Don’t forget, you’re dropping toward the ground like a bat out of hell with your dick in a bottle that is hissing and spitting like a shook up soda pop, so paying enough attention to avoid that one is paramount.

PD New Beginning

You can also have serious issues with pressure if you use the bottle more than once before you toss it. If you open the bottle at a higher altitude than the last time you closed it, a face-full of piss is a real possibility! Remember Boyle’s law from high school science? “The amount of gas produced is constant in mass, but the volume increases when the difference in pressure diminishes.” So crack that bottle at the wrong altitude, and WHOOSH! The other problem with such a large bottle is that when you’ve finally managed to fill it up, you need to find something to do with a big ass bottle full of piss! Try asking someone to toss it in the garbage while jumpers are loading and see what kind of reaction you get.

The real problems come when you find yourself desperate for a leak but didn’t manage to think ahead. You look all around the cockpit, and even in the cabin for anything that might take care of it, and all you manage to find are either regular water bottles, or even the dreaded Red Bull can.

With the regular water bottles, not only do you have to hold both the bottle AND yourself in place while trying to fly, but you still have to worry about the whole seal and pressure thing, which is a much bigger problem with these bottles, ‘cause unless you’re packing a tater tot in your pants, it’ll create a seal no matter what. Unfortunately, unless you are a fuckload more talented than I am, there simply is no way to “free stream” into one of these bottles, and chances are, you’re gonna get a bit wet. BUT, they are still infinitely more desirable than that empty Red Bull or soda can. There’s just no way you aren’t gonna get at least a little piss around, and will more than likely just end up peeing on the seat, the floor, your pants. You’re also running serious risk of cutting your junk on the lip of the can AND you also have to figure out what the fuck to do with a Red Bull can full of piss.

“But, Fuckin’ Pilot, why don’t you just use the bathroom in between loads or when you shut down the plane?”

Well … If you’ve been on any of the DZs I’ve worked on, the “in between loads” is the frantic four minutes in the loading area where you make or break a good day, and no way do you leave that fuckin’ seat! And as far as shutting down? Yeah right.

Hell, I’ve even gone as far as taking care of business while the tandems were getting hooked up with their attention elsewhere, but that was only in the most dire of situations. The truth is, as long as you have pilots in jump planes for extended periods of time, you’re just going to have to deal with the fact that more than likely at some point during the day your fly boy’s dick has been in a bottle, and now, you can’t un-know it!

Green Skies!

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