by the Fuckin’ Pilot’s Fuckin’ Nuts
March 13, 1996
Today started out pretty much like every other day. The three of us were up a good 45 minutes before you were, with the big guy trying to get all the attention. Business as usual. Some tossing and turning and a little scratching aside, you actually managed to get out of bed pretty quickly! The shower was way too quick, but it was too fucking cold as well, so the shorter the better.
Our first issue with today was how quickly you got dressed. You know how much we like to hang out and air dry, so throwing a pair of boxers over us before the shower was even off is a little much, and on the run in minutes flat? The second problem: You were driving like an asshole. We could hear that girl yelling at you all the way through your jeans, and she was pissed! Keep shit like that up and she’s not gonna have anything to do with us! Plus, the stomping on the clutch and gas so much was making us carsick. But whatever, that wasn’t the real issue.
After all the rushing and fussing, you go and sit down and watch TV and do fucking paperwork? For a minute there I thought we were going in for more surgery (like when we had to fix ol’ one-hung-low-lefty after the hernia). But the real problem started after you tossed on even more clothes on TOP of the damn jeans. It got really fucking hot in there! Then, what the fuck else did you put on? You had us jammed together like a couple of walnuts in a nutcracker! Dude, let me just tell you, that shit was not cool. Then you curl up like a ball for a 45-minute ride without a seat? But no matter how bad that was, it didn’t hold a candle to whatever the fuck you pulled next!
Just how the hell far did you intend to suck us up? You must have been totally jacked out of your mind, ‘cause you had enough juice flowing through you to scare the crap out of all of us! What in the fucking hell was all that noise, too? Even as tight as we were, we were still vibrating like a tuning fork! Then, considering the train wreck your crotch got into a minute later, we are all pretty damn thankful we did hide, cause if we’d been in the open for that shit, we’d be nothing but a couple of crushed grapes.
But…Man, we do have to tell you, when you finally took all that extra shit off and let us relax a bit we were buzzed as all hell! Fuck dude, I don’t think we’ve been zinging like that since that time in the pool house! If you could manage to do whatever you did again without smothering us, then bring it on man, you have our support! And what did you do to the girl? She hasn’t done that in the car in FOREVER!
May 23, 1996
What the fuck? Not sure what you did to piss off that girl, but ever since you started getting that nutcracker buzz thing going on a regular basis, she hasn’t wanted fuck all to do with us! Don’t get me wrong, you’re good at taking care of business yourself, but come on, man!
June 10, 1996
Oooooooooouuuch!!! What in the holy hell, mother fucker?!? That’s the first time you’ve had us hiding in a while, and I’m guessing it’s a good fucking thing! Was that your leg I heard snap, you dumb shit?? And how in the hell long are you gonna be on these god damn drugs anyway? You know damn well we can never wake the big guy up when you’re taking this shit, and even if you manage it, all he does is piss us off ‘cause he’s too out of it to finish…
P.S. You’re an asshole.
July 22, 1996
Wow! How in the hell did you do that? We were starting to get used to the whole regular buzz thing, but today was something else! The first buzz you got going was alright, but how in the hell did you follow it up with another one in the same minute, and HOLY SHIT, that second one was insane! You had enough adrenaline going through you to kill a fucking horse! Loved it, dude! Feel free to do that again, anytime!
Aug. 12, 1998
Double buzz, baby!! ‘Bout fucking time! We’ve been needing that for a long damn time! Oh, two things…One, good call on the boxer briefs! And two, sell the fucking motorcycle. We are all pretty fucking tired of it.
Jan. 10, 1999
OK, what now? I have no doubt you had us all jammed up against someone for quite a while, but what’s with smushing us up against somebody for no reason? We all did want to thank you for the great stoke again though…It’s been awhile since it was that strong! Pretty sure whoever you were crammed up to had a buzz going as well…If you hadn’t been so amped up, the shaking they were up to would have been plenty to get the big guy going!
April 28, 2000
Look, it’s been a good ride, but dude, we gotta have a talk. The whole adrenaline amp thing was great for a long time, and every once and a while we are still digging it, but you gotta back down off it a little. You can’t keep doing that shit 15 or 20 times a day and expect us to get much out if it. That being said, nicely done with the steady stream of babes! Where are you finding them? Oh, and the German nanny…Bravo. Still, slow down on the cram and jam a little for us and let us enjoy it like the old days!
March 8, 2004
Wow man, it’s been a while! Nicely done! Finally managed to find a balance! You went cold turkey for a while and that was cool, but we’re glad you’re back at it! Now just bring on some nannies or something, man, it’s been way too long on our own! But seriously, we are digging this nice steady ride. Not too crazy out of control, not too weak and boring. Now can you do us a serious favor? Replace that fucking razor you’ve been using for what, like a year?? Seriously, you don’t think you can manage to spend more than $5.99 on a fucking Bic or something? Keep up the good work buddy. We’ll keep hangin’ in there for ya!
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