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SkyGod’s Guide to Social-Media Stardom via BASE Glory and Object Burning

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Originally printed in issue #67 (July 2015) of Blue Skies Magazine.
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Little known fact, minions: SkyGod is not only the best fucking skydiver, but SkyGod is also a ninja black-belt style BASE jumper.

Want to know why it’s a little known fact? BECAUSE NOT EVEN SKYGOD SHOUTS ABOUT IT ON SOCIAL MEDIA.

Did you get the significance of that? Let me ELI5. SkyGod, the loudest proudest fame whore of the fame whore hall of fame (it’s not bragging if it’s just a fact) knows to keep his goddam trap shut about his BASE jumping.

Seriously minions, what on SkyGod’s green fucking earth is wrong with you? In SkyGod’s day, the only way you got near a BASE jumper was to spend years slowly seducing one, ground crewing, doing all the crappy jobs and offering the odd reach around where appropriate. It took years to even find out where the objects were, let alone jump the fuckers.

Now all you need is a pathetically low 200-ish jumps and a bulging wallet. Take your pick of one of the many, many FJCs available. Some good, some downright scary.

Made that first jump? GREAT! Now get out there on your own and start burning all of SkyGod’s favorite objects like the cock jockey you are. Wait, before you do that, make sure you have all 10 of those fucking GoPro cameras on, a big fucking headlamp on your head (if you’re actually bothering to do it under the “cover” of darkness) and several whuffo pals at the bottom shouting their fuckin’ mouths off.

Survived the jump? FANFUCKINGTASTIC. Now take all that footage of you jumping one of those long protected, much loved objects and sell it to the local media, along with some fuckfaced interview about how much of a badass illegal BASE jumper you are.

As soon as they publish the article detailing just how awesome and rad you are, make sure you share the shit of it on your Facebook athlete page. Don’t have an athlete page yet? Dude, seriously, are you even cool enough to jump? How will all those sponsors know what you’re up to? Mega lolz.

Don’t even get SkyGod started on you hand shandies that think you’re ready to jump straight into that wingsuit and go proxy flying. “I believe I can fly …” Believe you can die more like.

Actually, you know what? Get it, minions. You’re breaking yourselves at such a rate, SkyGod will just stay home and look after your chick. Look after her real good.

SKYGOD OUT.

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