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Resolutions for the End of the World

Written by The Fuckin' Pilot

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Originally printed in issue #39 (January 2013) of Blue Skies Magazine.
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The Mayan calendar finished one of its great cycles in December 2012. This simple fact fueled countless theories about the end of the world on the 21st. Many people believe this was to be the date of the “No shit, this one’s real” apocalypse. Could this have really been the end of the world? Could it have been a global plague? Nuclear war? Asteroid strike? Perhaps even the dreaded zombie apocalypse? Could one of these really have been the end of Planet Earth? That thought stressed a whole lot of terribly unstable people right the fuck out, just as I’m sure it will the next time …

Of course Dec. 21, 2012 came and went, and what the fuck?! Still here after what, a good six or more “end of days” prophecies in my lifetime. I had myself all good and worked up for a few different scenarios, along with a whole lot of other people, yet didn’t get to do any of it! So, for shits and giggles, let’s just say the world is now gonna end on JANUARY 21, cause some historian yet again read it wrong. Here it comes then, the big nose dive into oblivion!

For argument’s sake, let’s just say there’s no way out of it. It’ll be time to lace up those Nikes, stir the Kool-Aid and try to hitch a ride on a comet. You don’t get to make good on your New Year’s resolutions, ‘cause there won’t be time. You’ve got to come up with some New Month’s resolutions today, and find a way to fill the time until we find out if the Mormons or Catholics or even the Scientologists had it right. The big question in my opinion is just HOW will it end and what will you do?

Well no shit, no matter how it ends, you’re gonna get laid. Of course you are. The pharmacies will be out of Viagra and lube in minutes, and the streets will be filled with Jim Morrison’s “Golden Copulations” quite literally until the Rapture. The only thing that would flow more freely than bodily fluids would be the booze, which would in turn create more desire for the aforementioned bodily fluids. I’m pretty sure that’s number one on everybody’s list, but c’mon, even the best of us have to come up for air at some point! And if you’re a skydiver, there’s a hell of a lot more air to come up for.

Well if it’s just a big “poof” on the 21st of January, then it’s pretty simple. A nuclear war or asteroid strike on that day and it’s a pretty sure bet it’s a done deal, so make your list and get to it!

Number one on my list: BASE. And no starting out responsibly with Bridge Day. The fucking world is closing for business really damn soon! It’s straight to Europe to jump those freaky ass mountains I see on Facebook every day. Balls to the wall down the thinnest, sickest lines I could find. Up the Eiger in Switzerland, (in my story I can travel wherever I want without any time-space considerations) or even give Everest in a wingsuit a shot. Once I got the wingsuit BASE rush out of my system, I’d be telling Felix to scoot the fuck over and make room for me on our way up to 150,000’ (is that in outer space yet?) for a little 2-way freefly action. Wait, on second thought, I’d want to save that jump for the actual “end” and fly into the Earth’s last act with a sonic fucking BOOM! But in the meantime …

I’d be on every sunset load. Every one. I’d either be flying my body WITH a bunch of great friends, or I’d be flying the plane FOR a bunch of great friends, but I wouldn’t miss a single one! Some of the best, most entertaining and beautiful skydives I’ve ever been on were the sunset loads, and I’m not the only one who thinks that way. There’s a reason the sunset load is manifested full an hour or more before sunset! I’d also take my Otter back over the Rockies (yes MY Otter, cause I’d steal it back from Chicagoland) with my dog Diego and a few good friends, ‘cause you have no idea just how amazing those hills are until you’ve flown within a couple thousand feet over them.

Now, not everything I’d do to entertain myself would be in the air. I can think of more than just a few epic DZ parties I’d want to attend on our collective way out. Could you imagine the blowouts that would be going on at your local drop zone? Holy shit, would it be insane! No more worrying about falling asleep with your shoes on, ‘cause who cares if you have a big cock and balls drawn with a Sharpie on your forehead, the damn world is ending! Best of all, no cleanup after the disaster courtesy of the Mayans. No muss no fuss.

But what if it’s not over in one big boom? What if it is a plague or … the zombies? Besides being FUCKING COOL, zombies will certainly help motivate you. If you’re faced with fighting off the undead, you’re gonna have to do a little work to enjoy the end, and we all know something earned is just that much sweeter. Despite being extremely unlikely that the undead might roam the earth killing us off, you may be shocked to learn that actual official plans have been prepared by the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) in the U.S. just in case. The English local authorities suggest arming yourself with a stun gun, handcuffs or other restraints, and of course a protection suit to both “defend against and avoid the plague of the living dead.” According to CDC plans, they “would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak” if zombies did start roaming the streets. Personally, if they are like the old “Night of the Living Dead” zombies, I’d invite them to the party! Could you imagine a bunch of skydivers armed with video cameras and GoPros fucking around with slow motion undead? Come to think of it, it would be a lot like any DZ hangar at 2 a.m. on any given Sunday, so no big deal for us skydivers. Some jumpers I know would even consider mixing the zombie aspect with the last-minute sex stuff. When presented with a fairly fresh and attractive zombie, a few jumpers I know would probably corral a wagon full of zombies for just such a purpose …

I, like most of the people I know, realize that the chances of the end coming on the 21st of any month, or in one single shot ever are pretty slim, and have decided to act accordingly. I’m going to stick to a more standard list of resolutions, but I won’t wait for a New Year to work on them! Here’s my short list:

Get back in the air, get back in touch, live life to the fullest, and encourage everyone I know to do the same. Resolve to remember those I’ve lost, keep those I’ve got, and maybe, just maybe try one of those fucking crazy things I thought of when the world really was gonna end!

Quick postscript: In reading this, some may say that it appears that I am advocating zombie sex. Let me state for the record that I believe zombie sex is bad, and should be avoided at all costs. Yet I feel I must also state that I believe what is done between two consenting adults, (or an adult and a zombie) in the privacy of their own home is none of my business. Unless of course the zombie in question does not consent, in which case, no means NO!

For more information on preparing for the zombie apocalypse, please visit www.cdc.gov/phpr/zombies.htm.

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