In This Issue

Pants Off Dance Off

Written by The Fuckin' Pilot

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Reality TV

Until that moment, I had no idea that a grown man could be so completely entertained with his own junk. It’s yet another bizarre visual from skydiving that I fear I will never be able to rid myself of.

Patrick was one of close to a dozen jumpers to sign up for a naked group skydive for the filming of a British television show on American sexuality. I had been picked to fly primary camera for the dive, which is how I ended up with the image of him stuck in my brain for life. Patrick, having abandoned the formation to show off a touch of his own flair, was basically lounging about halfway between a sit and back fly, legs spread as wide as a cheerleader on any given night, with an enormous smile spread across his face as he vigorously pointed to the semi bouncing frantically between his legs. Thankfully, because he was a Frenchman, I was spared having to watch his sack bouncing around as well, as it was so hairy that it more closely resembled a blonde bonsai bush caught in a wind storm than a scrote. The kicker on the Patrick image was the oversized bright yellow smiley face hat strapped to the top of his head, adding a very surreal touch to the whole show.

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Amazingly, all of the other fellas on the dive remained respectfully on their bellies, sparing me the experience of seeing a group of naked men holding hands with cocks a-flying in a well-organized O2 circle jerk. Once down, the rest of the group all had the good graces to cover up after landing, leaving me to end my video filming four men wrapped in parachutes while a naked Frenchman, now sans rig, skipped circles in the landing area around them, kicking up a ton of dust and singing what I think was the French national anthem…

AVN Antics

For as long as I was a jumper in Vegas, once a year during the same week, you could count on someone wanting to jump naked out of a plane. Until this year, I hadn’t been senior enough on the DZ to be a camera flyer on any of the jumps, but as our newest group was busy doing their paperwork I was told that I had the “money” student.

The occasion? The AVN (Adult Video News) awards came to town once every year, and without fail, a porn star or porn groupie would see one of the ads for the drop zone and decide they had to add a skydive to their resume.

The name on the paperwork I was given said Amy Somethingorother, but the screen name she gave during her video interview seemed to suggest that she had no gag reflex and a compete willingness to prove it. To look at her was to see exactly what you’d expect from a porn star. She stood about five foot six, platinum blonde hair, curvy hips, and boobs that arrived at a party a good minute before she did. She wasn’t wearing a bra under the two-sizes-too-small T-shirt, I assume because they didn’t make bras that large, and her nipples were threatening to cut holes through the shirt she kept pulling up through her entire interview.

“Can I take my clothes off now?” she asked as I filmed. “Ahh, sure…,” was my response, and the crowd that I thought had included the entire drop zone suddenly swelled to capacity to watch her perform a strip tease against the rig rack in the hanger. All in all, fake titties aside, she was in pretty damn good shape and I, like everyone else, was enjoying the show. The next thing ya’ know, she was harnessed and ready to go, strolling her way to the 206 arm in arm with her instructor.

It was just the three of us going up, so Miss No Gag was sitting between her instructor’s legs while I leaned against the back wall, spending most of the climb filming her playing with her boobs. I swear every time she lifted one up and let it come bouncing down I could feel the plane move. As I climbed across her and out the door toward the strut for exit, she decided to grab a handful of my crotch, squeeze, and say, “Make it hot, baby!”

There was nothing special about the exit, and because of how the instructor rolled out I mostly saw the top of the tandem rig until the drogue was thrown. When I got in close though, I got the whole view, and it was…HORRIBLE! Every inch of this woman, who was so very recently attractive, was rippling and giggling and flapping in such a violent manner that it appeared as though her skin had simply had enough of her abuse and was attempting to leave.

As per the camera routine I used, I spent the first few seconds face to face with my student to get the initial “holy FUCK” reaction, and would then do a quick orbit around the pair to show the scenery and such. I managed to snap out of my horror after the initial visual, and tried to get back to the job at hand by starting my circle of the pair.

I didn’t actually think it could get any worse, right up until I hit the 180-degree mark on my orbit. It was like looking Medusa straight in the face without the mercy of turning to stone. A vagina shouldn’t do that! First off, it sure as hell shouldn’t move about on its own like a couple of cold cuts in a washing machine, but more importantly, it shouldn’t scream! Picture Jamie Lee Curtis in the Friday the 13th movies, (except with a very thin little mustache), mouth open wide with tonsils bouncing in the back of her throat while she lets loose with a blood curdling scream! I swear to fucking God I saw teeth, and it was like looking straight into the gaping maws of hell. I began trying desperately to continue my carve back to a view of her thankfully unmoving fake tits, but couldn’t seem to escape the horror in front of me! I was just about to close my eyes and pray for death when I realized that the fucking instructor was turning with me! After reversing course and making it back in front of the pair, I saw that the instructor was laughing his ass off, having known exactly what he was doing, and what I was seeing…I’ve never looked at a porn star in quite the same way since.

Saturday Evening Shopping

I wasn’t particularly interested in the night jump until I found out that the “cute girls” were planning on doing a naked 6-way. Not surprisingly, the manifest started to fill up pretty quickly, even after the girls announced that everyone would have to go naked to get on it. It was to be my first naked skydive. Considering my previous profession, I wasn’t terribly bothered by it, and since it was a night jump, I knew there wouldn’t be any pesky video out there trying to bother me down the road. The way it all fell, I ended up in a good spot in the plane just behind the naked 6-way, but I also ended up solo, and last out.
As it turned out, the plane ride wasn’t as interesting as it could have been. Between the darkness and sitting on the benches, the only view to be had was the occasional nipple slipping out above or below a chest strap, and a decent 6-way butt shot as the girls exited. I gave the girls a reasonable amount of time and stepped out onto my back so I could watch the plane fly away.

I’ll admit, the feeling of naked freefall is not an unpleasant one, and I caught myself giggling a few times on the way down. As pull time came, I found myself wondering how much damage a hard opening could do, but thankfully my canopy was feeling kind and the opening was plenty soft.

Alright. Canopy checks out. Slider stowed. Breaks released. Now head toward the DZ…which isn’t there. Wait?! Okay, relax. Probably just turned a bit on opening. So the DZ should be…Nope. Looking left…Looking right…Wait, if that’s the supermarket, then the landing area should be…FUCK!

Nothing but darkness everywhere, and a landing area that had to be a good two miles away on a no-wind night. The only place I could spot with certainty was the store, which also happened to be the only place bright enough to give me any view of the ground. At 9 p.m. on a Saturday evening, I set up for my base to final over the parking lot of a moderately busy 24-hour supermarket. The only place in the lot with enough space to land was the drive directly in front of the entrance doors, and of course ended up being exactly where I landed.

My canopy didn’t even have the good graces to land on, or in front of me, and instead decided to daintily fall behind, leaving me standing in front of a dozen or so very surprised people staring at me, clad in a pair of Nikes, some worn-out football gloves and a harness. With really nothing else I could possibly do, I turned to the growing crowd and said the first thing that came to mind. “Anybody got a cellphone I can use?”

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