In This Issue

F*ckin’ EXPO! (NSFW)

Fuckin' Pilot
Written by The Fuckin' Pilot

Online Reprint

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It’s Expo time again! It’s time for those of us in the skydiving industry to stand proudly and expose ourselves! It’s time for manufacturers to show off the newest and best, for instructors to share their methods, drop zones to show what they’re about, and for the jumping world to gear up for what promises to be yet another exiting year.

So, with past years to reflect on and the future to look forward to, those of us who have been around for a while also have the opportunity to take young jumpers under our wings and give them a dirt dive to last their whole jumping career. It’s a chance for us to help them understand a few things.

Don’t be a fucking idiot and pull this shit:

  1. You’ve just gotten your A license, and you are manifested for a load that D-license holders have decided to stand down for.
  2. You’ve ordered a canopy with a wing loading that’s as high as the guy everyone on the DZ says is an incident report waiting to happen.
  3. You think that just a few beers at lunch are no big deal, as long as you don’t follow it up with too difficult a dive.
  4. You think pink is acceptable on skydiving equipment.
  5. You honestly believe you’re the best skydiver at your drop zone (even if you are).
  6. You think you have nothing left to learn.
  7. You believe you’re too cool to help another jumper with ANYTHING!

It’s our opportunity to help them understand that the world of skydiving is much much more than just jumping from airplanes. That life after sunset load is almost as cool, and quite often crazier than the jumps. It’s a chance for us to keep them from making some of the stupid mistakes we’ve seen and done, like …

  1. … wearing your jumpsuit and gloves around the DZ all day in the heat because you think it makes you look more like a “skydiver.”
  2. … talking non-stop, loudly, about the jumps you did that day, hoping that the cute jumper girl in the corner who is obviously perving for the stony hippy packer will notice you instead of him. (Yes, she is going to fuck him. No, she isn’t going to fuck you.) (No, she won’t). (Nope).
  3. … being a cute female student, proclaiming to the DZ that all you want to do is fuck a skydiver, and NOT expecting to be labeled the new town pump.
  4. … caring if you’re the new town pump (if that’s what you’re into).
  5. … fucking your instructor.
  6. … fucking your friend’s instructor.
  7. … bucking a skydiver.
  8. … falling asleep on the DZ with your shoes on.
  9. … falling asleep on the DZ.
  10. … counting on your hostess to provide you with the same vajayjay-friendly lube you have at home. While it’s not necessary to bring the entire contents of your naughty drawer, you should take along the basic accoutrement of safe and comfortable sex. A variety pack of glow-in-the-dark condoms should … Shit. Sorry, wrong magazine.

Of course it’s not all about filling newer jumpers in on what they shouldn’t do. It’s about letting them know what they can and SHOULD do as well, like…

  1. … handle check, handle check, handle check. EMERGENCY PROCEDURES.
  2. … coming to the DZ prepared for any eventuality, with all the gear you’ll need:
    jumpsuits, altimeters, gloves, shoes, etc.
  3. … taking every jump for exactly what it is. Not worrying about not being good enough, but only about having fun on every jump.
  4. … taking bigger jumps and smaller canopies when you can handle them, on every jump, without exception.
  5. … taking at least one moment on every jump, on every flight, during every day to appreciate what we are allowed to do, what we are capable of doing, what we ARE doing.
  6. … getting drunk (after sunset).
  7. … getting high (after sunset, on whatever works for you).
  8. … getting laid (whenever you can).
  9. … jumping.
  10. … jumping.
  11. … jumping.

It’s twenty-twelve people. The world ends this year. Have fun, jump your asses off, get drunk, get high … Jump, jump, JUMP!!! So says The Fuckin’ Pilot.

[team_member image_url=”123875″ name=”The Fuckin’ Pilot” role=”Monthly Columnist”]About the author: The Fuckin’ Pilot has more than 8,500 hours of flight time; 5,000 of those have been piloting jump ships for skydiving. [/team_member] [products_mixed layout=”listing” orderby=”ID” order=”asc” ids=”26630,121868″ title=”Get more like this!”]
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4 Comments

    • Oh and I forgot to mention – we tag things “NSFW” in the title to mean they are probably “Not Safe For Work” i.e. there is language and/or images that more closely resemble a drop zone bonfire than a church service. That way it’s easy to know which posts you don’t have to read!

  • The monicer “The Fuckin’ Pilot” doesn’t give you a solid idea of what to expect? That’s the best part about our society. If you don’t like it, you have the clear and simple choice to not read it! And if you think what I wrote in this one was offensive… Ooof, man you really don’t want to read any of my other articles! I appreciate your opinion, and whole heartedly applaud your right to dislike my vulgar and offensive ways. Ways which I intend to continue with for as long as the lovely folks at Blue Skies ask me to.

    Cheers,

    The Fuckin’ Pilot

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