LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT
Ward William Hessig
#### xxxxxx Ct.
Ocoee, FL xxxxx
First, the boring legal shit.
I would like this will and testament to be read aloud to anyone who wishes to hear. I would like this to be read by Coby Osborne who was one of my true best friends on this earth. Coby, I want you to read this as if it were coming out of my mouth with the same attitude, voice inflection, and everything. If anyone can do it, I know you can. Love you Foo!!!
2. Appointment of Executors
2.1. I hereby nominate, constitute and appoint Darick Bennett and Jacob Dipitire as as Executors, if they disagree on something best of 3 paper, rock, scissors wins or if these Executors are unable or unwilling to serve then I appoint Jackie DiPitrie as alternate Executor. Out of all of the people I consider friends these are the most trusting and responsible people I know and couldn’t think of anyone better to be executors of my will.
3.1. I bequeath unto the persons named below, if he or she survives me by 30 (thirty) days, the following property:
Well to be honest, as I am writing this I don’t have a lot of shit in my possession. I have led a really eventful life and I have a million great stories that the majority of the world would never get to experience but not a lot of physical shit. But what I do have I bequeath to the following.
3.1.1 I bequeath my Iphone to David Bennett, because he asked me for it on facebook and he was one of the first selfish pricks to start claiming my shit before I was even dead. Thanks Knife, enjoy that fucking Iphone while I rot in the ground you bastard.
3.1.2 I bequeath all of my very offensive shirts that I love to wear to Darick Bennett, only with the exception that he must wear them all at least one time in public before he gives them away or destroys them. Except for the one that says “Clinch all you want, it’s still going in” I bequeath that one to Jackie Dipitrie with the same provisions that Darick must follow. Just do it you bastards, I’m dead and these are my dying wishes.
3.1.3 I bequeath my skydiving gear to Melanie Curtis aka “the MELSINORE” with the following provisions.
MELSINORE you may keep whatever you like but split the rest of it up as you see fit between Karl Meyer, Nick Grillett, Mark Kirschenbaum, Jonathon Tagle, Scott Roberts, and Isaiah Mccauliffe, in that order of choosing. The reason I put them in this order is because Karl, you proved that you are a real and decent friend at PIA that one year and I realized what a true and good friend you were. Nick I named you second because Karl won the coin flip as to which one of you went first. Trunky, I picked you third cause I love you Pal. Bizzle, yeah I called you Bizzle, I’m dead and I’m allowed to do that. I picked you fourth in line because you’re one of the few people that skydive that I actually like and respect, thanks for all the good times and memories Biz. Scott I picked you next because you also asked me for shit on Facebook and I never deny my friends things that I have the power to give them and yes I considered you a good friend. And Isaiah is last not because he wasn’t a great friend to me because he very much so was but because the prick quit skydiving a long time ago and I know he’ll just pawn it for golfing shit. I’ll never forget when you walked in on me that time and I said. “Hey Yoneral……Oh, it’s just the Yoneral”
3.1.4 I bequeath my smurf collection to Jimmy Lehr because he asked for it on facebook and I know he loves that damn collection. The only provision is that you have to line them all up around your bed as if they were watching you perform and bang a hot chick in my honor while she says, “Smurf the smurf out of me, you’re so smurfing big”
3.1.5 I bequeath my computer and all my computer stuff to Jeremy Bender. He was my best friend on this earth (well a tie between him and Darick) and the fucker’s never had a computer. Not only do I want him to have one but I know that he’s so computer illiterate he’ll never be able to find out what sick porn I looked at on it. Enjoy the new found world of the world wide web of porn.
3.1.6 I bequeath my Home Gym “nicknamed Marcy” to Joey Bennett, I know that meathead will finally use the damn thing, God knows I didn’t.
3.1.7 I bequeath my car to Darick Bennett or Jeremy Bender whoever has a child of their own making first with the provision that it is for them on their 16th birthday. I always wanted to be able to do that just didn’t want to have to do the whole relationship and having kids part of it so do that for me will ya? The race is on to knock a chick up if you haven’t already I guess, it’s worth a car. If neither of you have your own child before Princess, Andrew, Baisy, or the other one becomes 16, they get the car.
3.1.8 The remainder of my physical shit not spelled out above I bequeath to Jeremy Bender to do whatever he wants with. I know Darick won’t want any of my shit so it’s all yours bender, do what you want with it, just don’t be a fucking packrat, if you’re not going to use it give it to someone else.
3.1.9 It’s sad but that’s really all the physical stuff that I have to give away except for what money I’ve accumulated which is probably not much. Any money that is left after the party and my burial stuff, which will be spelled out later, I want given to my Dad if he is alive with the provision that every fucking cent be spent on him and given to no one else within our family. Sorry Kim, Tammy, and Kelley, I love you but Dad made me all that I am today and will forever be my hero and he deserves every cent.
If I haven’t published my book, I want my estate to pay to make sure it gets published with all residuals split between londyn if he’s still with whatsherface and likes the baby, princess, Andrew, baisy, and the other one, or any of daricks or benders real children
3.1.10 I wish I could bequeath my awesomeness, my ridiculously suave game, my arrogance, and all the other qualities that made you all love me to someone, God knows some of you need it but I can’t, I have to take it all with me to the next life to be a prick there.
5. Special Requests
Here is where we get to the fun stuff…
Buy issue #19 of Blue Skies Mag for the fun stuff ;)